I’ve been trying to keep my various projects separate, but I with the new Terrible Turtle Conspiracy website up and running at
I thought, “What the heck!”
If you don;t know, The Terrible Turtle Conspiracy is a strange webcomic written by Jonathan Harvey – aka Jissilly – and illustrated by me.
To celebrate the new webpage, I’m posting a three part blog set that crashes my characters into the Terrible Turtle Universe. This, thelast of the three, was written by myself in response to Legacy of Stalking (posted here as Alternate Universe 2).
Enough is E-NUFF
Katelina watched through the window, waiting for Jorick to return. The back of her neck had been prickling ever since he’d left, and she hoped he hurried up. He and Loren were just running down to boy’s house and back, or so they’d said. But, they’d already been gone several minutes, and she was certain there was someone out there, the sound of their footsteps lost in the wind. Maybe she was just getting paranoid.
She moved to the couch and dropped onto it restlessly, but she was barely seated before the door opened and Loren strode into the room, conspicuously alone.
“Where’s Jorick?” she demanded. It wasn’t that Loren wasn’t all right, as vampires went, but he wasn’t the kind of guy she thought could do much about whoever was lurking out there. In fact, she was pretty sure a marshmallow could defeat the teen vampire.
“Taking care of something,” Loren answered with a smirk.
She wanted to press him for details, but Jorick chose that moment to appear, dragging behind him a scraggly vampire who looked oddly familiar… Oh no! It was that horrible Willie who’d kidnapped her last year and used her in an insidious plot to try to defeat Axe, the scourge of the undead! She well remembered being forced into a slinky black dress, covered in corn syrup blood and tied to a chair. But wait! Jorick tied him up and lit the barn on fire himself! Willie should have been roasted like a hot dog on a stick.
Mmm. Hot dog. That would sure taste better than that lousy microwave cherry crumble she’d had for dinner!
She jerked herself back to the present situation and demanded loudly, “What’s he doing here?”
Jorick dumped the bloody nosed vampire in the middle of the floor. “That’s what I’d like to know.” He studied Willie for a moment, as if reading him, and then his eyes narrowed dangerously. “I don’t even think so!”
Katelina waited, but no explanation came. In fact, to make things weirder, Jorick stormed into the dining room and returned with the yellow tablet and an ink pen. She hoped for a moment that he might stab Willie with it, but instead he sat in one of the wing backed chairs and began angrily scribbling something on the paper.
Everyone stared at him incredulously, but it was Willie who broke the silence, his voice thick through his broken nose, “Bat are you ‘oing?”
“I’m writing a letter,” Jorick answered savagely, his dark eyes fire as they skipped from the note to his captive. “To NUFF.”
Loren leaned on the back of the chair, casually trying to read what Jorick had written. “You mean the National Union of Fictional Folks? What are you writing to them for?”
“Because I’ve had it,” Joricke snapped. “I didn’t say a word when I had to appear in a fan fiction story with Axe the scourge of the Undead, or Biffy the vampire slayer, even though we were forced to talk in rhyme! It was my good deed for the century because that Jonathan Harvey is a nice guy. But was that enough? No! Now that author of ours is writing us into ‘Lost Chapters!’! I mean, what is that even supposed to be?”
“It’s like the deleted scenes on a DVD,” Katelina explained with an eye roll. “Maybe if you’d catch up with the twenty-first century?”
Jorick waved her away and continued, “If that wasn’t bad enough did you see what she did last week? Did you? She made me sparkle! SPARKLE!” (yes, yes I did)
Loren squinted at the paper, still struggling to decipher it. “I dunno. I thought it was kinda fun.”
Jorick growled low in his throat. “I told her one more move like that and I was out of here. And this – This – is the final straw! You know, she used to be a really good writer. She used to do doom and depression and dark, angry gore and now… Now look at this! I have a vampire named Willie in my living room! And he was planning to kidnap Katelina, no less, and haul her off for excitement and adventure! Bah! I would do anything for some good, old fashioned gloom!”
Willie did his best to manage a charming smile, and Katelina cringed away. “Kidnap me?”
Loren shrugged. “It’s not really our author’s fault. She didn’t write what’s-his-name in. She’s been hanging out with that Jissilly guy. I think he’s secretly hypnotizing her in emails to write silliness.” He broke off and then exclaimed, “Man, your handwriting is awful! Is that even English?”
“Yes, it is. And furthermore, it is a letter of resignation. I am informing NUFF that we’re leaving and they can just find someone else to replace us. I refuse to put up with anymore of-”
A knock at the door interrupted him. They all froze and stared at the door as if it was some kind of portal to another dimension. After all, they didn’t get visitors very often, and now they had two in the same night.
“If that’s Axe or Biffy I swear I am going to demand severance pay!”
But it wasn’t Axe or Biffy. Instead it was a short, mustached representative from NUFF. They let him in and he peered at the assembled group from behind his wire rimmed glasses. He cleared his throat, then announced, “We at NUFF are aware of your reactions. However, rest assured that all of this was cleared with headquarters days ago, and that, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do without breaking your contracts. And, I assure you, you don’t want to do that.” His mustache wiggled thoughtfully and he added, “Have a nice night.”
He was almost to the door when three vampires made eye contact.
It took Katelina a week to get the spot out of the rug.