Here’s a special sample of 101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire! You can get the full copy at Amazon Kindle for $.99 or at smashwords – where you can set your own price!
Who am I? Well, who are you? Who are any of us? Whoa. That sounded all creepy philosophical, didn’t it? Ugh. I think I’m going to start over.
So, who am I? My name’s Katelina and, no, you may not call me Kately. It’s a stupid pet name my mother used when I was a kid and I hate it! Worse, she’s still determined to use it, even though I can see my thirtieth birthday looming on the horizon. (Well its, not THAT close, but its close enough.) So, what makes me interesting enough to think anyone will ever read this? How about that I spend way too much time with vampires? That got your attention, huh? The word vampire tends to do that. Even better, I’m kind of dating one. Sort of. I think.
Speaking of vampires, the more I look around, the more I see that the vampire “trend” is waning. Only a couple of years ago, vampires were everywhere, but now its zombies. I wonder what’s with all the zombie hype? I mean, zombies? Please! That’s just stupid! Everyone knows there’s no such thing as zombies, right? Unless it’s something to do with vampires. Maybe zombies come from a botched turning attempt or something. You know, that might actually make sense. Vampires are popular, so everyone goes out to find a vampire and get “inducted” and then, say they botch the turning process and – boom – person is now an undead vampire with a rotting mortal body who is desperately sucking the blood out of people’s brains. I think I might be on to something, here. I need to ask Jorick about that. (In case you don’t know, Jorick is the vampire I’m – um, well, it’s complicated.)
101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire
1. Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun; they burn to a crisp. And putting sun block on them won’t help.
2. But, just because your vampire friend doesn’t need sunlight, doesn’t mean that you don’t. You should try to get a little sunlight every day, even if it just means sticking your head outside.
3. If you’re into trip photography then you need to invest in a camera with a bright flash, a tripod and/or a good night lens. Otherwise, when you show off your vacation snaps, it’s going to be even more boring than usual.
4. If your photos do come back indistinguishable, don’t force people to look at them anyway. Regular vacation photos are boring enough, but blurry, black ones are even worse. Yes, even if you play the “guess what it is” game.
5. Vampires don’t go into “blood lust” and turn into a beast every time they feed, anymore than you turn into a ravenous animal at every meal. The whole thing is really boring to watch and you’re better off staying behind at the motel and watching TV.
6. Like a reptile, vampires who haven’t fed are only as warm as their surroundings. Do not attempt to snuggle one in extreme cold. You will be sorry.
7. Make sure that you get away from your vampire and their creepy, undead world frequently. You need to keep in contact with normal living people, otherwise you’re going to end up being weird and scary. Do you really want to find yourself saying, “Yeah, this stuff is way overpriced. Someone should find the manager and rip his heart out”?
8. Hopefully, your vampire isn’t too cheap to spring for motels, but, if money is tight, you can save cash by staying with his friends. If you have to sleep in a coffin, try to go for the old wooden style ones. They’re least likely to be airtight. You don’t want to suffocate, after all.
9. Depending on the season, you might be able to save money by camping. But, remember, it’s pretty hard to get a coffin in a tent.
10. Motels will not give you a discount because your friend is “dead”, so don’t ask.
11. If you’re in the middle of a vampire war, as opposed to traveling for fun, it’s best to find motels with individual, outdoor entrances to the rooms. This can make for a faster getaway and, besides, it’s a little hard to explain to management why there’s an attacking horde in the hallway, after all.
12. Before you snuggle down in that motel bed, do a mental check to see where the sunlight is going to be come morning. After all, who wants to wake up to a bed of ashes? Your vampire should be smart enough to handle this, but it never hurts to double check.
13. If you have money to spare, a room with two beds can be a safer bet because the second bed in a double room is farther from the window than the single room’s bed. Remember, sunlight is bad.
PACKING & HYGIENE
14. When you’re preparing for your trip, remember to pack light. You never know when you might have to run from an attack by enemy vampires, and it’s easier to run without bulky luggage.
15. When packing, use a duffle bag instead of a suitcase; a duffle bag can double as a pillow, but a suitcase is very uncomfortable to sleep on.
16. If your trip is for leisure, then be sure to take along some paperback books – or a laptop – for those sunny moments while you’re waiting for your friend to wake up.
17. If you, or your vampire, happen to be in the middle of a coven war, then it might not hurt to invest in a folding shovel. Contrary to popular belief, vampires don’t turn to dust when you kill them, and you don’t really want to leave a string of unburied bodies behind, do you?
18. Always pack an extra pair of shoes. For some reason shoes seem to disappear easily and are hard to come by.
19. Always dress for the weather. Vampires seem to be impervious to hot and cold, and have no trouble dragging you through extreme temperatures.
20. Yeah, your vampire friend may not sweat, but they still need to shower. However, if they forget this, don’t try to remind them by suggesting they “smell like something dead”.
21. So, what do you do when you’re in a motel shower and – surprise – they’re too cheap to provide you with those little bars of soap? If you happened to pack shampoo you can always use that like body soap. However, conditioner doesn’t work so well.
22. If you forgot the shampoo, and the motel isn’t too cheap, you can always use bar soap on your hair. Doing that a lot will dry it out and make it look like straw, though.
23. Vampires don’t need TP – but you do! Keep a roll on hand, or even a travel pack of Kleenexes, for emergencies.
24. A container of wet wipes can also be very handy; you can use it to freshen up after sleeping in an abandoned barn, or to dab that splattered blood off of your face. On the plus side, there’s a fresh clean scent for you to enjoy!
25. Bottled water isn’t only good to drink, it’s handy for cleaning up messes; everything from left over carnage to those melted junior mints you accidentally sat on.