In an Alternate Universe (Part 1)

I’ve been trying to keep my various projects separate, but I have news cool enough to make it worth crossing over: the new Terrible Turtle Conspiracy  website is up at

The Terrible Turtle Conspiracy is a strange webcomic written by Jonathan Harvey – aka Jissilly – and illustrated by me.

To celebrate the new webpage, I will be posting a three part blog set  that crashes my characters into the Terrible Turtle Universe.  This, the first of the three,  was written last year by Jonathan Harvey- aka Jissilly –  for the Shades of Gray contest.  I vaguely asked him if I could post it here. He’s cool like that.

(Notation from Jonathan)  [this story] stars a vampire named Willy.  Way back in my Navy days I played a role playing game called “Vampire: The Masquerade”.    Willy was my character for that game.  He was a successful character because I used a lot of humor and imagination when I played him, but he became so dark that I started freaking people out.  I gave up the game, but there will always be a Willy inside, just waiting for a story opportunity.

The Price of Fame

By Jonathan Harvey, 2009

This was going to be hard because I knew in the end, that there was simply no way he would wind up my friend.  Jorick was a monster, but not quite like me.  I’m glad that I’m evil.  It’s for all to see.  My name is Willy, and I’m out there man!  I don’t even take time to make up a real plan.  I just fly by my pants and I do what I please.  I could really care less if somebody sees.  Most vampires, like Jorick, will hide who they are, lest some vampire hunter will come from afar.  Well, that’s what was happening and I was to blame.  I put on a show and I went for the fame.  I flaunt who I am.  I just really don’t care.  Sure, I might be insane, but I’m insane with flair.  My need for attention keeps me on the run.  It’s monsters like me that the vampires shun.

So, I had to tell Jorick, just to give him a chance.  If he needed to run, well, he’d know in advance.  The Axe man was coming.  He would soon be in town, and at vampire hunting, this guy took the crown.  He was fast.  He was mean.  He was strong as ox.  He was hunting me down.  You know?  That kind of rocks!  It means I hit the big time.  I’m in the “Who’s Who”.  I should soon have a book and a movie deal too.  The story of Willy!  Wow!  That rings a bell.  I could be the next Drac!  Things might go that well.

But now, Jorick’s attention, getting that was my goal.  So I captured his girl and tied her to a pole.  It was a nice little barn in an out of the way farm.  Not too many around but a farmer to harm. The girl tied up nicely.  She would make good bait.  I just needed the setting, and then I would wait.  I was not going to hurt her, just taste her a little and cover her neck with my vampire spittle.  I took me some time and I fixed her up right. I dressed her in black with a dress that’s too tight.   I styled up her hair, and so that she would look nice, I made her fake vampire fangs out of rice.  I got some corn syrup and a little red dye, and then I made some fake blood.  It’s so good I could cry.  Then I covered her in it.  I covered the floor.  I made funny splatters all over the door.  It looked really great.  You could tell it was fake, just a little vamp fun I was trying to make.

But then, Jorick arrived, and he was mad as a hen.  I said, “Just calm right down, now breath deep, count to ten.  She has not been harmed.  It is quite plane to see.  I only did this so you’d listen to me.”

But then he started punching.  Then, he punched me some more.  He got me right in the face, and I fell to the floor.  I tried to stay down, but it just wouldn’t work.  I was beginning to think that Jorick was a jerk.

I said, “Don’t hit my teeth.  Won’t you watch how you punch?  If you knock out my fangs, how am I to eat lunch?  Will you please stop and hear me?  What am I to do?  If you tied up my girl, I wouldn’t do this to you!”

Jorick wouldn’t listen.  Don’t believe all the hype.  When it comes to vampires, he’s the mean angry type.  He has no sense of humor.  I was joking around.  He kept picking me up and throwing me to the ground.  Things were getting dangerous.  This fight had to stop. So, I sprayed him with mace that I stole from a cop.  Then I picked up a shovel and hit him one time.  Then, I gave him a wedgie.  Now, is that such a crime?

Jorick was rubbing his eyes and cursing my name.  It made me feel good.  He had heard of my fame.  While he caught his breath and got ready to fight, I said, “I did this for you and it does not seem right, that you should be violent because of these pranks.  I’ve got important new.  You know, you should say, ‘thanks’.”

It was quite plain to see, Jorick didn’t agree.  He would not calm down.  He was charging at me.  He was wanting round two.  This was really no fun.  There was nothing to do.  I decided to run.  I ran like the wind, like a stallion on speed.  I ran like a cat that is ready to feed.  I didn’t get far.  He tackled me to the ground.  Once more it’s my face he decided to pound.

“Hey, could you just stop.  I have not harmed the girl.  This fighting is old.  Let’s give talking a whirl.”  Perhaps he got tired, but he stopped with the hitting.  He got off my chest, and soon we were both sitting.

Jorick gave me a snarl and asked, “Why are you here?”  I mean, what’s with the snarl. Should it fill me with fear?  These vampires today, they just bully and yell.  They throw big hissy fits each time things don’t go well.

“I hate to tell you, but I’m here on the run.  I’m just passing through, and I’m under the gun.  The Scourge is pursuing.  He’s real mad at me.  I guess he caught wind of my last killing spree.  I’ve tried hard to shake him, but that guy just won’t shake.  I don’t think he’ll stop until my heart meets his stake”

Jorick then shook his head, “Why’d you bring him here.  You need to leave now.  Have I made myself clear?”

Why did I come with the Scourge on my heels?  I needed a distraction and perhaps a few meals.  I secretly hoped that Scourge would come see my newest friend Jorick and forget about me.  I couldn’t say that.  I knew it would not go well.  My mind started searching for a good lie to tell. “This thing with the Scourge, it is going all wrong.  My days, they are numbered.  It should not be long.  I was hoping you’d help me and that we could be friends.  Sure, I behaved badly.  Please let me make amends.”

“Well, I can’t be running, and neither should you.  Perhaps, we’ll join forces and see this thing through.”  Jorick’s mind was now racing.  He’s not a bad guy.  To know I’d betray him almost made me cry.

“A joining of forces, yes that would be best.  We can take on the Scourge, put our might to the test.”  Put our might to the test?  Just what was I saying?  That Scourge was too good at his vampire slaying.  Yes, Jorick was tough.  He could sure beat me up.  When it came to the Scourge, he was just a scared pup.  We needed much more than just taking a stand.  It was time to be sneaky. We needed a plan.  We could both fake our deaths, or else he could fake mine.  He might not come to town and then things would be fine.

I stood there thinking, searching for an out.  Jorick turned to the girl, that’s what he’s all about.  Suddenly from behind, I heard a loud crash.  Was the Scourge here already?  He is like a bad rash.  It wasn’t the scourge but some red headed chick.  By the way that she moved, I was going to be sick.

“I am Biffy!” she said.  “It is my lucky day.  I was hoping to kill me a vampire today.”

I am not proud off this.  I’m a fiend and a liar.  I screamed, “Jorick!  You monster!  You nasty vampire!  Biffy is here to save us at last!  Go get him Biffy.  You had better move fast.”

Biffy saw the rope and she saw the fake blood.  She saw I was beaten and covered in mud.  She saw the young girl still tied up in the chair.  This was mostly my fault, but then, what did I care?  She jumped to attack him.  I snuck out the door.  I was feeling quite guilty, right down to the core.  Not so guilty of course, that I was getting involved.  With this Biffy battle, my problems were solved.  The Scourge needs a vampire and Biffy kills one.  When the Scourge does show up, he will think that he’s done.

I was ready to bolt, but then he caught my eye.  The Scourge had arrived.  I’m not ready to die.  Why is nothing easy?  Things don’t go my way.  Or, maybe they do, it’s a sly game I play.  The Scourge was approaching.  I let out a cry, “That vampires tied up my girlfriend! Why?  Why?”

The Scourge rushed in the barn and he joined in the fray.  Perhaps this was going to be my lucky day.  I ran to my car and grabbed my gas can.  I would burn up the barn.  What a marvelous plan.  No Scourge, no Biffy, and no Jorick to fight!  With them all burned up, I’d be famous alright.  I poured gas round the barn.  This was going to be fun.  I would light up a match, start a fire, and then run.  There was a good chance that all three could get free.  With chances come fun, and well, fun is just me.

I searched through my pockets, no matched found I.  I don’t own a lighter.  I was ready to cry.  I was about to give up and leave them to their fight.  When I heard, from behind, someone say, “Need a light?”

Oh Crap!

I turned around slowly and there all three stood.  They had untied the girlfriend.  This did not look good.  They were not at all gentle.  They tied me up tight.  I was stuck on the pole when Jorick lit the light.  With the flames and the smoke I would soon meet my end.  I said, “Why Jorick, why?  I thought I was your friend?  Those guys kill our kind.  They are not on your side.”

“I have secret.  To you, I’ll confide.  If I helped end your terror, they’ll leave me alone.  You made a good patsy, but we all must go.  For a maniac genius, you really are slow.”

Everyone left.  I supposedly died.  No one but Jorick knows we both lied.  Jorick gave me a knot that he knew I’d undo.  The Surge left him alone and left me alone too.  I’d better lay low for a few days or so, but you know I’ll be back.  I have no place to go.  I’m writing a book, because I have the urge to tell everyone about how we tricked the Scourge.  Jorick will get the fame he’s always feared.  He’ll be in a book, now won’t that be weird.

You can see his original posting here

And, though there’s no vampires, you should still check out the TTTC site:

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  1. Jonathan Harvey

     /  November 16, 2010

    That was a fun story to write and I am honored to see it again on your site. Yah, you bring out the vampire writer wannabe in me.

  2. You know…that Jorick should have thought ahead and just burned Willy up. It would have saved a lot of pain in the end. 😀

    So, I got the book the other day. I don’t see any pink on the cover. It is a darker shade than that. 😀

    • Jonathan Harvey

       /  November 17, 2010

      Mine hasn’t come yet, 😦 but it was the first book that had pink on the cover. It was Shades of Gray. :p

    • I know! He was evidently feeling merciful (very unlike him!) and it just shows what happens when you spare the lunatics!

      Yay! Glad you got it! I always worry that things in the mail just sort of disappear….

  3. OMG! This is too silly! I’ll be rhyming all day like Vampire Willy! ROFL!!!!!

    • it gets in stuck in your head, I know this is true
      you’ll be talking along and rhyming things too!
      no one can save you from the dreaded disease
      of rhyming like Seuss with.. um… wait. Okay, i got nothing.

      Hey the spell is broken! :))

  1. In an Alternate Universe (Part 2) « Amaranthine Night

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