In an Alternate Universe (Part 2)

I’ve been trying to keep my various projects separate, but I have news cool enough to make it worth crossing over: the new Terrible Turtle Conspiracy  website is up at

The Terrible Turtle Conspiracy is a strange webcomic written by Jonathan Harvey – aka Jissilly – and illustrated by me.

To celebrate the new webpage, I’m posting a three part blog set  that crashes my characters into the Terrible Turtle Universe.  This, the second of the three,  was written a couple weeks ago by Jonathan Harvey- aka Jissilly.  I vaguely asked him if I could post it here. He’s cool like that.

(read Alternate Universe 1)

Legacy of Stalking

She’s coming out today!  I can feel it.  I’m so excited.  I am beside myself, which is weird.  I usually can’t even stand to be around me and here I was beside myself and here I was enjoying my own company like nobody’s business.  I have figured out their pattern.  Right now he’s saying, “Katelina! Me and my stupid little sidekick are going out to do vampire stuff, blah, blah, blah.  You need to stay here and read these out of date books and eat the boring frozen dinner I got you.”

Then she’s saying something like, “Oh, Jorick.  I can’t stomach another awful frozen dinner.  The cherry cobbler looks and tastes like monkey brains. Normal people just don’t eat this kind of crap.  I know you are doing terrible dangerous stuff and drinking blood and the whole thing makes me wanna puke, but please can I go with you.  You can’t leave me locked up here. Wa! Wa! Wa!”

Then he replies with a “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!” I know that’s a lot of “blah” but Jorick is a “blah” kind of vampire.  He’s got the personality of a piece of wood.  After all the “Blah” he’ll tell Katelina that she needs to stay inside because it’s “too dangerous”.  Little will Mr. “Tall and Dark Moron” realize how right he is.

He and his little sidekick will leave to do whatever it is they do and then Katelina will not listen to him. She’ll feel the uncontrollable urge to go outside that crummy little beach house they live in.  That’s when I will make her life better.  I’m going to kidnap her from this life and have her stay with me!

I wonder if she remembers me.  I wonder if she remembers the time, when I Willie Osborn, kidnapped her on my brilliant attempt to use her and Jorick to throw the Scourge off my back. Now those were good times.  I would do anything for the opportunity to relive those days. Jorick, The Scourge, and Biffy the Vampire Killer had all fallen prey to my grand master plan.  You know?  For the life of me I can’t remember what went wrong.  All I remember is that I kidnapped Katelina, tied her up, and dressed her like a vampire.  Little did she know that all her crying and whining would melt my cold unbeating heart.  I just have to have her for my own.  I need to have Katelina for myself.

There goes Jorick and his little boy vampire now. Everything is going exactly as planned.  It’s only a matter of time before Katelina decides to go wandering.  That’s when I pounce!  I so love the word pounce.  Pouncing is what predators do.  That’s what I am.  I am a predator.  I am a vampire that likes to make a ruckus and I don’t care who sees.  No one can stop me and the destruction I leave in my wake.  The Scourge can’t stop me.  Biffy can’t stop me.  Jorick sure can’t stop me.  And don’t even get me started on the Vampire Guild.

Too late!  I have gotten started. Who gave that sanctimonious bunch of losers the right to think they can govern vampirism?  I am still baffled by that name.  Do they really expect to strike fear in the hearts of monsters with a name like that?  “Oh my!  It’s the Vampire Guild!  I’m so scared!”  Please!  Their name makes them sound like they belong in the Wizard of Um.  “We represent the Vampire Guild.  The Vampire Guild!  The Vampire Guild!  And, In the name of the Vampire Guiiiiiild!  We’d love to torture you and bite your neck.”  Man, the Wizard of Um would have been so much better if I wrote it.

Oh man!  She didn’t leave the house yet did she? That would be just my luck to go on rambling about the Vampire Guild only to discover that my opportunity to pounce on Katelina was lost in the wind. Wait.  I see her shadow moving about on the curtains.  Heh, heh, she’s probably going to make sure that Jorick is good and gone before she sneaks out to get into mischief.  Too bad Katelina, it looks like this time mischief is going to get on you.

Yawn.  It sure is taking a long time for her to make her move.  Once I’m done kidnapping her, I am going to give her a serious scolding about wasting my time. It’s not like Jorick picks interesting places to hide out.  The guy is the king of boring.  He’s cheap too.  I know the guy’s got a big enough stash to afford a nice penthouse or something.  Why can’t he hide out someplace cool?

You know?  Maybe I should just go knock on the door.  I bet I could sweep Katelina off her feet.  What does she see in the king of boring anyway?  I’ve been watching them for some time.  He’s not even all that nice to her.  I think she should trade up for the Alpha Vamp.  I’ll show her the adventure she secretly longs for.  Heck, she thinks her life is in constant peril now.  Just wait until she spends an evening with me. I think more people want to destroy me than those sparkly emo vamps in those books for teenagers.  Trust me.  Everyone wants to destroy those guys.

Once I kidnap Katelina, Jorick is going to be so ticked.  He’s going to be all.  “Where is my Katelina?  I was spending so much time with silly teenage vampire friend that I left her vulnerable. Now who will whine to me about my vampire ways.  Oh boo hoo hoo.  I am such a loser.  I am such a moron.  I think I’ll go and condition my long dark hair.  I’m such an idiot that I…”


Was that a twig?  Oh crap.  He’s right behind me, isn’t he?

“Hey Jorick.  It’s me!  You know, I’m your good buddy, Willie, from way back. Yeah, I was just keeping a watch on the beach house for you.  No need to thank me…  Oh.  I see your going to start with the violence and the hurting again.  You are so predictable my frein…. Owwww!  I fink you boke my nose!”

Read his original post here
Leave a comment


  1. Jonathan Harvey

     /  November 19, 2010

    This is genius. Just sayin…

  2. Illustrations, well that awesome.
    Must have been fun.
    Enjoyed this

  3. Sharon

     /  November 21, 2010

    okay, that was funny. Tell him to be very careful about insulting Jorick or I might have to step in . Willie is quite the character.

  4. Wizard of Um! He! He! OMG! These are great!

    • Yeah, Jonathan is smeggin’ hilarious! You should see what he’s done to the world of devotionals! ha!

      • I saw he had a book, Shades of Plaid and then I just saw you promote another book of his on FB. I don’t buy a lot devotional books, but with his sense of humor, I’d probably love it.

        • One click ordering is SOOOO dangerous! He! He! I just picked up Shades of Plaid. 🙂

          • Just realized the second book, was from a DIFFERENT Author! Geesh! I swear, I only need my glasses for seeing!

            • LOL! yeah one is from Stevie Rey (I did the cover for it 😉 ) and the other is old Jonathan. I edited Jon’s, so yeah, I can say I thought it was pretty funny. I think the Torture Service chapter was my favorite one. Or the Love Letter. Or Fast Food Love. Or… Hmmm. Well, my brother says he liked the Pirate Story the best. 😉

  1. In an Alternate Universe (Part 3) « Amaranthine Night

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